On Opening up
Hello Stranger,
Lately, I just don’t know. It’s like I’m living in a concrete reality, a different dimension. I look at my life and it’s actually pretty great but also fucked up and the fact that I’m stuck in my mind, my body, my life makes me go crazy. I hear the experiences of other people and I don’t know if they just have it easy, are lying or if I’m the only one making this so hard for myself.
In the end, the main causes of my feelings are other people’s approval, withholding info because I’m afraid of loosing that approval, and selectively disclosing partial secrets to some people who could publish that info. Alone the mental load of keeping up which people know what secrets is unbearable.
It's not like I'm lying to people all the time. Mostly, I show myself and my weirdness. There are just some parts where I'm afraid I’ll loose people if they ever see it. I’m afraid my real self is unlovable.
I'm trying to be less secretive with my life, but I partially like the vibe of being a secretive cool person and I’m also a fucked up coward. The last months however, I began opening up with people, slightly, crack for crack, easing the pressure on my mask, and reducing the differences of my double lives. Mostly via text messages. I know, face-to-face convos are better for connecting, trust, bla, bla, bla.
But you know how scary it is to say it out loud? While looking at them? And maybe you even have to cry?!?
No, I prefer my method. I’m getting half a heart attack either way. I write the message in my notes app. Feel better. Let it sit there, waiting in the app, go about my day. Then, as dawn approaches, and I prepare for bed, I’m already so tired my judgment and inner alarm is clocked out of work. I check if the person is offline. Then, I copy and paste the message into the messenger, read it three, four, five times for mistakes, some miscommunication that might occur. Hover over the send button, pulse on 180, sweating, panting, almost over the finish line. I freeze. Want to delete. Everything tells me to not be so stupid. They’ll abandon me if I tell, I don’t want to be lonely again. I want to be safe. I want to re-read again, let it sit a bit more, and then I just impulsively send the message. Just do it, Nike was right all along. I exit the app, put my phone away. Victory. That person will now be ignored until I have a reply. Then, I’ll wait until I've got a time window of several hours to read the answer, re-read, process the emotions, reply. Recover from this battle.
This sounds so ridiculous, but truly, I’m telling these people some stuff they need to know, if I ever want to have a deep, trusting relationship with them.
However, I’m also giving them ammo to shoot at me, reject me. It’s like I’d voluntarily give my enemy on the battlefield my rifle with a tutorial and stand before them, hands raised. I’m scared for death. But only by doing this, I can live.
I did it out of necessity, because I had a recent social event, where my class and my friends & family would meet each other. I thought my class would ask certain questions, reveal some info that I shared off-hand with classmates.
Exposing me to my friends, family, the evening ending with my tears. Yeah…that did not happen. I felt relieved but also idiotic.
Now, you may ask why I told classmates such info to begin with. Excellent question, 10 points to Ravenclaw. You see, it is almost impossible to wear a permanent mask. To not reveal yourself in the slightest. We want to be known, to be seen, and ultimately, my desire for this overcame my fears in the context of school. I thought, my classmates’ circle will never collide with my family’s, friends’ or friends of friends’ circle. This info will probably not leak out.
And then I remembered prom. Shit. The real reason was that I was a teenager who didn't think ahead. Cut that to just a teenager. Besides, when I gave them the info, I thought prom was yet another lie from US high school movies. I could have just not invited anybody - which would show my class that I'm a nobody loner and they’d give me some performative pity. That was not not the solution.
I had already invited some people to prom when I thought of this problem. I promise, I’m usually smarter. I had to find a way to not let them meet each other, or to elegantly answer some questions that might be raised. I hoped that my classmates would be too stressed and occupied with their own guests.
This did not truly help, as I got nausea in my stomach, a stench overcoming my senses, whenever I thought about that problem.
So, I tried to prevent it.
I finally told some people some stuff, had a subsequent one-one convo with one person, and even cried during that. I let myself cry before another person and I didn’t feel embarrassed. I was surprised. I expected rejection.
I always thought it was a lie, but I learnt that people, your friends and community, won’t let you crash like a hot potato. You can be less than imperfect, even pathetic sometimes and they still think you are a good human being. People don’t just leave - I sound like a lunatic but I’ve always jut read that wisdom. I never experienced it as true, intuitively, emotionally. I always just knew but never understood.
But now, I’ve let myself fall, at least slightly, and I didn’t hit the floor.
I’m alright.
Best wishes,
Somebody