On Self-Improvement
Self-help as conditional love in disguise
Dear Stranger,
Are you into Self-Improvement? Cold showers, strict workout regimes, building your side hustle.
I think Self-Improvement can certainly help in your life. Help you reach your goals, break off some harmful habits.
It personally helped me a lot. I’m quite happy with my life now, my days, and I owe a great deal of that to Self-improvement. Also to friends and family, but I regard improving my social skills and life as part of self-help. Therapy too. That change happened in one year.
However, maybe self-help just served as a crutch.
I’ve struggled with being too cowardly, never taking the leap. I was afraid of loosing what I had, mortally afraid. Even though what I’ve had didn’t make me happy to begin with. As soon as I caught the mere hint of danger, I played defense. I thought I was rational, but in reality, I was the manifestation of delulu.
I was also a people pleaser. I thought I could only be loved conditionally. I’m not lovable as a person. And as soon as imperfection cracks through, people would resent me. I needed to prove my worth to the world in order to deserve happiness, to deserve to live. Of course, that was a task exclusive for me. Nobody else had to prove their worth, but I had to. Clearly this is logical? Damn I thought I was a real smarty back then. I was so close 🤏to be a conspiracy theorist. Mom, Dad are you proud of me? Instead of not believing in the moon landing, I don’t believe in myself. Which leads me to believe everybody is at least somewhere superstitious. We’ve got a dose of delusion that every human needs to spend, some in themselves, some in crystals, and some in fantasy football.
To sum up, I thought:
“Loving me is only conditional.”
“In order to be happy, I need to prove my worth.”
“My worth lies in what I do for other people.”
I’ve really gotten into self-improvement during my time in counseling. It was a tangible way of getting better, with a clear roadmap I could imitate. I yearned for results, to get better. I’ve never again wanted to go back. To the life I had before, to my mental health, my past self. I swore to myself that I’d do everything to avoid this.
I’ve a somewhat addictive personality. I love dopamine and stimulation. I once bought alcohol shortly after I turned 18. Two weeks later, I entered a supermarket during a hangout, and instantly wanted to buy a drink. I once used a ticket machine at an arcade, instantly got hooked. If I ever visit a casino, I’d probably loose all my money. When I’m interested in a topic, I’ll disappear for hours. I either work zero seconds, or for hours on end non-stop, without pausing for some water, food, or a toilet break. Self-help brought results, made me feel better. So I got obsessed.
It did help. A lot. But although it changed my circumstances, it didn’t change my core beliefs. Self-help became an enlightened version of conditional love. One that sounded mentally healthy. Instead of changing my thoughts, I just agreed and upheld their demands. The difference was in my functionality of satisfying them. Not in my actual view of self-worth.
I just said:
“I can satisfy the conditions.”
“I proved my worth, now I’m happy.”
“My worth lies in what I do, and what I do is good.”
I’m lovable, have worth, and deserve happiness because I did the work. Not because I am ultimately lovable as a person, but because I upheld the deal. Mom, Dad, are you now proud of me? Instead of not believing in my own worth, I now think I can buy it trough actions.
Before some hate comments will arrive at 5 a.m. tomorrow, don’t worry, I’m still partially one of you. Just see me as the cool cousin who sometimes visits. Because I do think that using self-improvement moderately is useful. The common parts of this industry/niche are getting healthier, achieve better grades/job performance, self-reflect, build resilience, do some meaningful work and level up your social skills. That is all part of the recipe for a happy life and if the choice is between a lil too much self-help (assuming you actually practice it and don’t just consume thousands of books/videos) and none at all, I’d choose the former. 100% percent.
However, my view of self-improvement does need to change. That view created a causal link between my life and my effort. Of course, yeah, it influences each other. But now, when life didn’t go as planned or I felt down, it felt unfair, unjust. Nature broke the deal. I did the work - where’s my reward? It also made me blame myself when I was unhappy. I needed to double down, restrict myself more. But self-loathing, even when it’s out of ambition, just makes you feel like shit.
First I didn’t think I could fulfill these demands. Then I proved to myself I could. Maybe the next step is to accept myself independently of these demands. Of course, making my life better will probably make me happier but I have worth, as a person, just because of my personality and the way I exist, even when I don’t perform. There is a correlation between my circumstances, my life satisfaction and my daily habits. But ultimately, I am never in control. Never. I can only influence my life the best as I can. And accept myself when I inevitably will fuck up.
“I’m loved as a person.”
“I can be happy right now with what I am and what I have.”
“My worth lies in the actions I do according to my values, not according to people’s wishes.”
Mom, Dad, see? I think I made it.
Best wishes,
Somebody