On honesty

Truth is cooler

Hello Stranger,

How often did you lie today? Innocent little white lies count too. How often did you omit? Couldn't be honest, but didn't want to lie either?

I’m not saying we’re all compulsive liars. Intuitively and logically, this wouldn't make sense. A group that cooperates and is honest in the group probably outcompetes a group where members constanly lie to each other. You can communiate more useful info and make better decisions. I’ve also recently read a Forbes article.¹

I won't summarize the whole article but basic premise: Most people, surveyed in different cultures, self-reported that they often don't lie. There’s a small subset of compulsive liars.

Of course, they’re self—reporting so the whole survey might be a lie too. But since the participants were anonymous, and agreed to fill out a survey about lying, I would say the results are somewhat reliable.

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The fact is: No matter how often we lie, we all lied at least once. (Very probably). And we also go through life, interact with people, and need to assume that they are telling us the truth, or at least enough of it. We have to trust. 99% of us probably can’t just become a paranoid prepper in the woods.

However, we often omit. And that is the real problem. We withhold information because we’re afraid of getting hurt, the other person disapproving. We get into double-binds where nobody says their intentions, and the guessing game ensues. (Like when two people have crushes on each other and only discover that after they’ve both moved on). It makes all socialising quite confusing. You’re always wondering whether somebody is for real. I’d say omitting is a kind of inverted lying.

Inverted lying, as well as ordinary lies, are denials of truth. You don't accept reality, or think somebody else can't, and therefore try to rewrite it. So you don't have to deal with the consequences of actions. It is a self-justifying delusion. Prayer but you pray to yourself.

Through that, lying destroy community. You need a shared reality to connect, as well as trust. Distorting somebody’s mental map of reality causes the opposite. You can play, but as soon as the lie comes out, and it will, you're game over unless you come clean before the revelation.

All my big problems - social ones- have begun because I lied or omitted. Because I was afraid of the truth and therefore tried to hide and bend it. I had to uphold the performance. People knew my mask not me. Things got complicated, double lives colliding. I got more and more stressed about these problems.

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The way to combat this is through radical honesty. At least it’s an option that sounds a little badass.

Radical honesty basically says:²

1. Lying is a big cause of pain - we withold info, omit things, deceive others. Through that, we can avoid showing our real self to others. We lie because reality is too painful. But that means we need to keep the truth secret. One lie turns into a collection. We have to keep track of more and more variables, cover up the cover ups. In the end, that is more painful than the truth.

2. The solution is honesty. - Don’t omit stuff, no half-truths, no white lies because you want to protect an ego. Be real. (i’m not sponsored by that app). Be aware of your surroundings and yourself. Then express what you notice.

3. Noticing is what our mind registers - our body, perceptions and thoughts. Experience your sensations, express them, accept and let them go. If you do that while your crush/enemy or both is present, it’s at your own discretion. Don't sue me.

I think it works. All of my best decisions consisted of being honest with people. Shredding the mask. Or prevented putting it on in the first place. Everybody likes a honest jerk more than a hypocritical virtue guy.

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I understand that this is hard. We often lie or omit because we're afraid of the consequences. That the other person will leave us. That we’ll get hurt. That our plan won’t succeed. Why would we willingly put ourselves in a position that could make these worries possible?

But get this:

Your plan means shit. You will get hurt anyway. And if you truly love that person, you need to give them the chance to leave too.

You're one human, living somewhere on a planet in space, in a little galaxy inside a massive universe that’s millions of times older than you. Receiving light from a star that fuses two molecules together, which only works because of physics we don't understand.

There were lots of people before you. All with their wishes, friends and opinions about whether pineapple belongs on pizza (I think yes). They made jokes, thought about their life and cried because their crush rejected them. They grieved the loss of a loved one, looked at the sky, and saw the same moon we do. There will be lots of people after you. There are a lots of people existing right now.

Why should the universe bend to you? Don't you wonder if there’s something better than your plan? Maybe there is.

You will get hurt, but you will learn to love again. Yes, it’s painful, but it’s not death. As long you’re breathing, it’s not death. Risk the gamble for another day. You will lose people, but you take pieces of them with you. Find new community. Not to replace them, nobody can be replaced, but to enrich your life.

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Maybe this sounds too radical, but small baby steps are more than enough. Baby’s are cute so surely their steps are too

Did you like that post? Be honest ;)

Best wishes,

Somebody

1. https://www.forbes.com/sites/christianmiller/2023/12/20/more-evidence-that-most-people-are-not-lying-most-of-the-time/

2. https://www.radicalhonesty.com/core-principles-radical-honesty