Hello Stranger,
I’ve recently read the Tao te chin by Le Tzu. I don’t know if the Tao or Great integrity exists, but several ideas resonated with me. Taoism teaches us to live effortlessly. To play with life rather than force it into rigid structures. However, this requires us to let go. The inability to do this is probably the cause of most problems, mine included.
There's a concept called the hedonic treadmill in psychology.1 Basically, that people’s happiness is relatively constant despite the change of major life circumstances. Practically, that winning the lottery doesn’t make you happy in the long run. Cynically, that self-improvement gurus are lying to you.
I don’t think this means that situations are completely unimportant. Living in a peaceful country makes a difference. Leaving a toxic relationship will make you happier. Being lonely will probably make you miserable. Instead, it shows us that we suck at knowing what will bring us happiness.
Maybe we try to get promoted at work, but the actual problem is the conflict in your marriage. Maybe we want to buy a new car, but the actual problem is that we feel insecure and behind on life. Maybe we think a romantic relationship will complete us, but the actual problem is our bad mental health. If we try to pursue the wrong goals, no amount of achievements will makes us happy.
Additionally, the concept of hapiness itself is sometimes delusional. Contrary to popular wisdom, staying delulu is not the solulu.
gosh I love this meme so much
When you reach that goal, your life might get better and you’ll be more satisfied in general, but that doesn’t mean it will be perfect. It doesn’t mean you’ll always feel good. Other conflicts might erupt, new situations caused by the very change you worked for. Thinking that this achievement will make you perfect or always happy, is btw the arrival fallacy in action.2 Yes, I am a psychology nerd and I am proud of it.
Years back, I had barely any friends. Now I got them. Making friends greatly improved my life, but it’s not perfect. Other conflicts began, some directly because of friends. Instead of learning, I moved on to another thing to focus on. If I'd have more money, I’d be happy (perfect). I got a summer job, some money from organising my prom, and oh let’s see I still sometimes feel sad and bad. Damn I just chose the wrong thing, surely If I’d get more attractive and fitter, I’d be happy (perfect). Well, ups, I’m fairly certain I had a glow up (judging by the change in behaviour from others, people I knew but also strangers), and does this mean my life is perfect, everybody always loves me and I have no conflicts?
no
So… I think I experienced some of the changes that people think will make them perfect, and it clearly doesn’t. There are just some things that we can never attain or change, and we need to let go of thinking we’re a special exception:
Your life and you will never be perfect. There will always be a problem you need to solve, some struggle you have to persevere through. You cannot rid yourself of pain.
You might not get what you want. It’s totally possible that you take the risk, put in the work, behave morally, and still fail. You can give your absolute best, and shit will still happen. However, giving your best is the only change we got.
You don’t control anything. You have influence, which can make a huge impact, but you don’t have control. It’s like you’re trying to hold yourself up above an abyss by clinging to dip bars. At the top, the bars at the edge, your feet in the air, and down below only sky. You slowly begin to sweat, knuckles whitening, hands freezing. Yes, hold yourself up, up above the concrete, keep your gaze straight ahead.
But you don’t control whether you fall. In the face of life, where you are not the main character, not some person in a story with a guaranteed happy end, but a human in a universe where it’s a miracle that life has begun at all, maybe - despite all your best efforts - a strong wind knocks you a little to the side, and you slip - crash on the concrete. You might lose your job, your sister might die in a car crash and your friends might betray you.
But you also don't control if people will hold you up on the bar. You don't control if there’s a safety net at the end. And you have no power over the people who tend your wounds after the crash. We live in a terrible world, but we also live in a world where, through accident, by going to an event even though you didn’t feel like socialising, you met your future best friend. In a world where you took that one little risk of asking, of being your raw, vulnerable self, where you sent that text, made that call, and that’s your future spouse. A world in which parents care so tremendously for their kids. Where you get that job offer and make change in the world. Where you don’t postpone the call and tell your grandparents that you love them before they die. A world in which strangers smile at each other, with cute cats and dogs and sunsets. A world in which the moon shines on the ocean. A world where sweet first kisses exist. A world with music, music you dance to while laughing, music you hear in the summer, racing in your car, getting all nostalgic. A world with hugs, and holding hands. A world with lovely paintings, lush poems, and gorgeous sculptures. A world in which we forgive. A world in which we love.
We don’t control any of that either and that’s the beauty of it.
Best wishes,
Somebody
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill
https://nesslabs.com/arrival-fallacy
A lot of these ideas resonated with me :) I once read a book "the subtle art of not giving a f-ck" (I was skeptical at first, but my favorite teacher had recommended it), and it also brought up the hedonic treadmill and a more accurate nature of happiness. I entered a period of reflection that continues even today, and though many things are going well in life, I have to remember that not everything will ever be perfect. Pain and discomfort is normal, and better to be accepted.
From one small, probably younger Substack writer to another, keep doing what you're doing!
Ah okay, now I understand, thanks for explaining!
Kind of similar to how Alex Hormozi measures his own work. Where he says that he did something well when he put everything in there, there's nothing more left to give and then the outcome doesn't matter he already did good enough